Added: Pierson Bruce - Date: 12.10.2021 13:41 - Views: 17967 - Clicks: 5092
L ove is wonderful, love is joy, love is the greatest thing in the world… Love is also an enormous pain in the ass. Marriage is hard work. So how do you make love last? What myths about love are leading us astray and what do you have to do to have a loving relationship that stands the test of time? His newest work is A Book About Love. Sorry about that. Everyone asks how you got married.
Nobody asks how you stayed married. Time to find out the answer to that often-ignored second question…. You want to find the perfect person.
Do they enjoy the same movies I do? Meanwhile, a study of twenty-three thousand married couples found that the similarity of spouses ed for less than 0. In short, what we think we want in a spouse—someone who is just like us and likes all the same things—and what we want in real life are fundamentally mismatched. Most online dating websites are focused on finding you a similar partner. But when you look at meta-analyses of thousands and thousands of couples you find that similarity is inificant. Researcher Eli Finkel argues that the algorithms they use are really no better than random chance because the idea that the person we should be seeking out is our doppelganger ends up leading us astray.
But over the course of a lifetime, every couple has problems. Thank you for asking. It means how you feel about feelings. You want someone who handles emotions the same way you do. John Gottman at the University of Washington has amassed a persuasive body of evidence that meta-emotions are the real al variable in terms of predicting whether or not a marriage will last. Do you believe you should express anger? Or do you believe in holding it in and waiting for it to fizzle out? Do you think happiness should be shared but anger should be suppressed?
Sharing your meta-emotional style gives you a common emotional template, a common language. With long-term relationships you should be less concerned with characteristics that reduce the likelihood of conflict and pay more attention to finding someone who has a similar style of dealing with conflict. Because there is always going to be some. The question is how you deal with those problems.
What Gottman has found is that people who have clashing meta-emotional styles, they have a really tough time dealing with conflict. Even minor annoyances tend to become huge fights, because one partner wants to express and the other partner thinks you should hold it in and then all of a sudden it explodes.
To learn the 4 most common relationship problems — and how to fix them —. So communication is good. Which le us to another counterintuitive finding…. According to the scientists, spouses who complain to each other the most, and complain about the least important things, end up having more lasting relationships. In contrast, couples with high negativity thresholds—they only complain about serious problems—are much more likely to get divorced. In a sense, you can look at complaining and fighting in an intimate relationship as just ways of showing you care.
No relationship is trouble-free.
To learn how to win every argument. Infatuation is quick, romantic and easy.
He falls in love with her in seconds. He sees her and he just knows. He walks over and starts talking in iambic pentameter. Thinking about soulmates and being obsessed with limerence is very romantic.
Her work is filled with all sorts of sad case studies of people who talk about the high and how at a certain point, they realized it was leading them astray. It was a pure fantasy but it was hard to shake it off. Limerence is chemical fiction. Okay, opposite extreme: what does the research on arranged marriages show? Am I saying you should have an arranged marriage? Chill out. Going into a long-term relationship focused on limerence le to disappointment. But people in arranged marriages have no such illusions.
And so they work. And so it works. But if you do the work, it pays off over the long haul. To learn the science behind how to be a good kisser. Okay, lots of talk so far about hard work. Is there a way to be more successful in your career and more successful in your relationship?
What does a lot of research say produces success in school and career? Guess what? It works in relationships, too. Do you want devotion? To learn more about grit from leading expert Angela Duckworth. Duckworth demonstrated the importance of grit in loving relationships by collecting grit scores from 6, middle-aged adults. After analyzing the data, and controlling for the influence of other personality traits and demographic factors, she found that gritty men were 17 percent more likely to stay married.
Relationships are challenging over the long term. So you want someone who has stick-to-itiveness. When I talked to Duckworth about it, her answer was very straightforward. Marriage has plenty of trying situations. It lasts because we can make it last, because we keep putting in the work.
Alright, so all these fancy studies have a lot to say. But can they predict who will split up? And the formula is quite simple…. Just ask a couple about their relationship. Yup, that simple. After assessing fifty-two couples based on their oral history interviews, the psychologists Kim Buehlman, John Gottman, and Lynn Katz at the University of Washington found that the way spouses described their history predicted whether they would get divorced within the next three years with 94 percent accuracy.
So what differs between the stories told by the happy couples and the not-so-happy couples? Again, everyone experiences conflict. It was awful. In fact, my partner is awful. Every couple is going to go through hard times and go through points where they wonder if they should still be together. Then, the question becomes: how do they talk about it? Some couples find a way to glorify it. To talk about how it brought them together. Nobody is happy on mile 20 of the marathon. But if you pass the finish line, the struggle makes the victory that much sweeter.
And those are the stories that happy couples tell. To learn the recipe for a happy marriage. Love is a challenge. But life is a greater challenge. But nobody is invulnerable. Bad things happen to all of us. We cannot avoid pain. But he can recover from almost any injury. And what helps you cope with the problems of life better than anything? And makes you successful and happy? There is no easy life. Then, the question becomes, how do we cope with it?
How we adapt to life, how we cope. Vaillant has found that what determines how well you adapt is who you love and how you love them. Our closest relationships determine how we respond to the toughest times in life. What you find is that people who have close relationships live longer. They make more money. I believe it more than ever. overreaders. Get a free weekly update via here. This piece originally appeared on Barking Up the Wrong Tree.
at letters time. Getty Images.I want a relationship to last
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15 Ways to Make Your Relationship Last a Lifetime